Thank you for your interest in the art we display in our home. We have put a great deal of effort into curating our collection, hand selecting each piece not only for its aesthetic qualities, but also for the deeper meaning we are able to discern because of our extensive and almost supernatural understanding of art. We realize that not everyone is as gifted as we are at divining the true meaning behind an artist’s work, so we have prepared these statements to help others perceive as we do.
The Kitchen Collection
Nativity
Four out of five people who view this painting imagine they’re seeing a heavily-frosted vanilla cake, despite the fact that it’s clearly a depiction of the nativity scene featuring a woman in a contemporary power suit as Mary, the Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman version) as Joseph, and the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man as the baby Jesus.
Galaxy Pie
This one-of-a-kind work captures the limits of our understanding of both the universe and gluten-free baking. The pastel dots convey everything and nothing at the same time. The out-of-context quote is confusing and trite, causing the reader to wish they could at least have some pie if they’re going to have to read this shit.
Horses
Scientists say we only have ten years before horses become sentient and take over. This neon nightmare sounds the alarm and demands humanity stop horsing around (so to speak) and start taking ourselves way more seriously.